After a multi-day migraine with no obvious trigger (I’ve been trying so hard to eat and sleep and not panic about work and that’s what I get?!?) the pain let up mostly and I finally had another “ok” day.
I cried for like two hours on the phone with a beloved friend yesterday and that probably helped. I was having an angry at everything / universe is completely unfair / this is bullshit day. I find it hard to be honest with most people irl about that because they want to fix things or find some silver lining, or tell me so much about how they wish they could do something that it becomes about their own grief or about how it’s painful to them to see me like this. Great, it’s nice that you all loved him, or that you worry about me, but you get to go on with your lives and back to your spouses and your kids get their parents and all that fucking normal shit that is gone for me, so stop making our five minute conversation all about how it’s uncomfortable for you to acknowledge grief.
Yeah that was a disjointed word vomit rant but whatever
An ok day is like, I only lost my patience with my toddler a couple times and I didn’t hate every minute of everything and I wrote in a journal a bit at naptime and it didn’t spiral into bawling all evening (though the night is young and I did tear up at a financial planning commercial that followed someone from birth to retirement. fuck everybody who lives a good long life).
I can’t fucking wait for Nov 30 when I get to have my first treatment of Botox for migraine prevention because at this point I would inject the shit myself if it would stop even one of these multi-day awfulness cycles.
Lately I’m irrationally angry about everything. I’m angry at this stupid wardrobe thing in my bedroom but I haven’t gotten it together to put up some other shelving or finish sorting out his clothes.
I finally got some shit done like changing the names on our insurance and cancelling his credit card. I took Toddler yesterday to play at a local preschool that has open hours for their big playroom, and I got through telling some of the parents and staff Zack had died. But there’s a 900 item list of awful shit I still have to do and no one can really do for me so it’s not as big a relief as you would hope, to have been able to tackle a few of them.