Weepy morning

After a couple of “good” days I didn’t sleep well last night because my kid didn’t sleep well and now I’m super weepy. Though I don’t even know that the poor sleep is the cause. This just happens. 

I got fuck all done this morning except trying and failing to read things, and dragging myself out to vote. 

I finished the last serving from a bag of frozen chicken nuggets that Zack bought me a long time ago and then I ate some dried mango that I think I bought to bring in my bag for his hospitalization in January or February. Or someone brought it (along with other dried fruits and crackers and things) to my house in the wake of Zack’s death. 

I have a hangup about these “death foods”, as I think of them. It’s stupid to waste them, so I eventually consume most of them while simultaneously resenting their existence. 

So I ate them and then I bawled about it. 

I gained back the weight that I lost a few months ago. I’m eating more regularly, which is good because not eating is a huge migraine trigger, but I’m sure my diet is in no way balanced. But I can’t bring myself to bother doing much about it. Like with many dimensions of my life, I’m just making sure I don’t die while I figure out how to care about anything again.