I totally failed today at explaining inertia and momentum to my toddler in response to his observation that the swing on the playground continued to move long after it had been pushed. I like to try to elaborate on cool concepts he notices, I guess as practice for the Why? phase, but sometimes I just flounder when I realize I’m not sure I truly understand something enough to simplify it without hand waving or duplicity or bad analogy. But he seemed satisfied with my rambling apology that Daddy isn’t here to explain kinematics, and was still willing to try the swing…
I forgot that it might be wet on the playground so I didn’t bring a towel or burp cloth or anything and we both got our butts wet on the slide. But toddler often isn’t willing to try the slides, so when he wanted to go on the tallest one I wasn’t about to tell him no.
“Everything is fine,” she says as, back home, she puts on a dry pair of her dead husband’s jeans, baggy on her. For some value of “fine” that’s roughly equivalent to “I’m still surviving and this is not the worst day.” The jeans are worn, the frayed edge of the right-hand pocket evidence of the years of use, a trace of his existence. Somehow comforting
I’m feeling a little better now that a work deadline is past. And I’m studiously ignoring my anxiety about the upcoming 2nd birthday and holiday season for a little while longer. Just reveling in the fact that I don’t hate existence quite as much at this particular second.
It’s still extremely bittersweet but I’m not as uncomfortable with the idea of revisiting things we used to do together, should be doing together. At least the past few days. Could change any moment when I fall back down a long dark pit of sorrow. But sort of enjoyed playing Destiny 2 with clanmates Fri and Sat. It seems unlikely that I’ll carve out the time to be raid ready anytime soon but doesn’t seem as unfathomable that I could handle trying it someday. It’s good to hear familiar voices on chat and I was able to observe something Zack would have liked (the Haunted Forest modifier called Glass, half health but much faster recovery) without falling apart.
He was always fond of glass cannons, could handle the movement needed to survive. I’m a little slower and more ponderous, my lack of FPS experience prior to my late 20s or something innate I don’t know. Got better over the years at the improvable things like not standing still getting shot, but still can’t elegantly kite a boss around.
Lamented an adventure I was doing yesterday where I wiped at the boss (is it a wipe when you’re alone?) multiple times in a darkness zone and wished I had someone else to pull aggro when tons of adds spawned. Was trying to finish as friends were wrapping up other activities, so then I rushed, so then I got more frustrated when I failed again, so then I got more sad that Zack and I are supposed to be doing all the story campaign together and he would have been there to res me.
But then friends were ready for Gambit, a confusing new pvp-ish mode. So I quit the fuck out of that encounter. I’m teary-eyed now thinking I’ll have to go back to get through it even though I know it’s trivial and I can outlevel it and go back to tick it off in a bit if I want anyway. “You don’t have to do it alone” rings in my head; statement someone made to me about real life things, but it’s quite literally true here, where if I’m mad at this mission I can do it another time when a clanmate can join me. Sometimes I want to be alone, but I often feel isolated lately. So that’s another reason to try going back to social things like Destiny that don’t require lining up childcare or driving late at night when I’m tired. (I may have said that already in another entry, or just in a paper journal, or just to a friend, who the fuck knows.)
I feel bitter and flippant a lot. I think often of my in-game idol in Destiny, the Titan (my original and favorite character class) Wei Ning, even though we never get to meet her directly. “So I ask Wei Ning: what about the Darkness itself? What then? And she says: I’ll punch it too.”