debilitating migraine

meds are sort of working now but I’m a zombie trying to do something through the pain because I don’t think I can nap. 

really fucking frustrating because I got 7 hours of sleep amazingly last night and got up and took a walk with my son before work like I profess to want to do every day but have been bad at making myself do. and my body pays me back by bringing back my migraine from sunday afternoon

have a neurologist appointment tomorrow, had been managed by primary care for over a decade, but hoping somehow there’s something else I can try. not much hope though because i think i probably have to fix my sleep overall in order to see improvement. 

i had worried my migraines, newly more frequent after Z’s death, might get better in the 3 months since i made the appointment, so then it would seem silly to be seeing a specialist. joke’s on me

last night I was sitting on the couch eating a snack watching Star Trek Voyager before bed and I had such a moment of dissociation (derealization?) where the world was fuzzy and calm and it seemed like this was a normal thing for me to be doing by myself. and then I glanced over and saw Zack’s photo and the fact that he’s dead hit me like a ton of bricks, nausea and lurching like my stomach trying to escape through my brain. the horrible realization that i’m not just waiting for him to get home

unrelated to anything, I keep saying the words death and died and dead, because I hate the euphemism “passed” or “passed away”. Let’s leave it at the brutal thing it is.