for some reason

“For some reason” is my new hackneyed phrase and I really need to stop saying it. I’ve been writing more so I notice it more.

a) The reason is I’m a grief-ridden disaster struggling with daily functioning and everything makes me cry. 

b) Noticing that I overuse it reminds me of how women are socialized to start with apologies. “Sorry, I don’t feel like x” “This might be a dumb idea but”. Even at work. “I’m sorry, but that’s not going to work”. Or end with them. “If that makes sense?” I don’t need to justify my not knowing why I’m having a weird reaction to something or feel unable to deal with something. There’s a good fucking reason and even if there wasn’t my emotions don’t need a qualifier in front to soften them

I’m anxious about first counseling session with the hospice person tomorrow. I got in sooner than expected.