for some reason

“For some reason” is my new hackneyed phrase and I really need to stop saying it. I’ve been writing more so I notice it more.

a) The reason is I’m a grief-ridden disaster struggling with daily functioning and everything makes me cry. 

b) Noticing that I overuse it reminds me of how women are socialized to start with apologies. “Sorry, I don’t feel like x” “This might be a dumb idea but”. Even at work. “I’m sorry, but that’s not going to work”. Or end with them. “If that makes sense?” I don’t need to justify my not knowing why I’m having a weird reaction to something or feel unable to deal with something. There’s a good fucking reason and even if there wasn’t my emotions don’t need a qualifier in front to soften them

I’m anxious about first counseling session with the hospice person tomorrow. I got in sooner than expected. 

in which I am inconvenienced because I didn’t fill my prescriptions in the first 3 months my spouse was dead

I didn’t get around to refilling my maintenance meds all summer, but my good health insurance is ending so I made myself deal with it before what I have on hand gets too low. Got 90-day scrips sent to the mail order pharmacy so hopefully I wouldn’t have to figure out how to use the new one right away.

I got a fun letter back from the insurance that the acute asthma med (albuterol) I’ve literally been taking for over 25 years is “New to You” so they reduced my 90 day scrip to a 30 day one. 

After a half hour of being put on hold repeatedly they told me there is no way to appeal it, because the prescription I last filled in May was under the threshold for the amount they count as a 90 day supply, so I haven’t filled a 90 day supply within the last 180 days, so I don’t meet the criteria to get a 90 day supply now on the “first” fill. 

I was well controlled on my other two maintenance meds so I don’t have to use the “rescue” albuterol inhaler that much. This is a GOOD thing in asthma maintenance therapy. That’s why this is a giant fucking joke.  The fact that my doctor was previously writing me a scrip for less than what the insurance now thinks a person needs in 90 days is great, as far as asthma control goes, and you would think they’d instead write me a letter saying “hey you’re doing well taking your meds as prescribed! Thanks for not needing any ER visits for your asthma the entire time we’ve been insuring you!”

So now it means I will have to figure out how to use my new insurance in October, and so I’m crying because even though that’s certainly a trivial thing the trivial fucking things add up when you’re barely getting through the day as is.