iama science project

I seem to vacillate between numb days and sobbing days lately. Today is more numb. Maybe it’s the headache. On days I don’t have a bad headache or migraine I maybe am freed up to feel a little more and then it spirals into crying. 

I went to a behavioral health appointment this morning. It was ok. I kind of report clinically about how bad I’m doing as if I’m some science project, someone who doesn’t have to actually feel those things, just report on them.  No shit the questionnaire indicates severe depression. 30 mins is also not enough to even start building rapport, but on the plus side it’s not enough to talk in detail about Zack’s death, so I only cried a little and not to the extent that I couldn’t safely drive home.

I have a followup next week and in the meantime filled out the request for individual counseling from our local community hospice and should hear back within a week. The counselor I saw must have noticed how much I looked disgusted at the idea of support groups, which hospice also offers, because she made a point of saying it’s not for everyone and she can see maybe individual counseling is more appropriate for me at first. 

I hate talking in front of groups in general, even before this. And it took me until 2+ months out to even make the behavioral health appointment because I couldn’t fathom introducing myself to someone new, beyond my primary care PA who has seen me for 6 years. Also, even thinking about group sessions reminds me of the Netflix series The Letdown, which is about early parenthood; the main character is a bit of a disaster (very realistically) and struggles to connect with the other parenting group participants who are all seemingly doing much better at motherhood than she. Zack and I started watching it and never finished. 

Counseling through hospice is usually 6 weeks max so I might be setting myself up for pain by giving it just enough time to get to know someone and then having to transition to group, or private individual therapy. The only reason I’m not doing the latter thing first is that I preferred to start with someone trained to focus on grief, to not have to explain that part, and there isn’t anyone that the behavioral health person knew of in our area who has that as their main area of expertise. She lamented that one of her professors who made grief support his career has recently retired. Great. 

I mentioned how bad I’m doing at taking care of myself, and the counselor reminded me I’ve at least been going to the primary care doctor and I made this appointment, but those things feel like going through the motions and I don’t think I can take any credit. 

I came home with intentions of being productive but my focus is shot. Hopefully I can complete the one thing I really need to.