blurry void

today is three months from the last time I saw him conscious

it feels like about two weeks, like everything before was my real life and this is all just a blur

my world is gone

replaced with a vast starless void where nothing tastes like anything and I stumble not knowing if it’s forward or back

there is no exit to the labyrinth, no door at the end of the ordeal where I will see him again. after three months crisis mode adrenaline is gone and there’s just nothing

i feel guilty when I can’t enthusiastically play with my toddler, when I can’t concentrate to accomplish anything at work

pro: I napped for two hours and didn’t wake up in utter panic
con: it was because I had such a headache from crying or weather or sleep deprivation or all of the above that I just couldn’t do anything besides lie down

I’m basically as lucky as reasonably possible in terms of support and it is not lost on me that it’s a very first world problem to be fussing about not having the focus for a desk job and worrying whether I can hack 30 hrs/week starting next week while not having to worry about basic survival

I don’t know how to care about anything without his enthusiasm, without the mischief and hope in his eyes, without him by my side to inspire and encourage me