without bawling

“got through it without bawling” is my new slogan for things that require going out in public

SSA appointment, check. 

Bank to close a non-joint account, check. 

Financial planner, check. 

All different days of course. Oh reader. You didn’t think I could accomplish more than one fucking thing in a day, right? Hahahahaha. 

Financial planner seemed to think I was reasonably organized and I was trying to tell them I’m a fucking disaster and don’t even know my current expenses or cash flow or anything. And that it’s only by the skin of my teeth (and my brother’s help) that I even collected this much documentation.

The standard question “did the marriage end with the death” in the social security interview is so awkward.

I keep thinking of it like two separate things, like I acknowledge that my spouse is dead but not that my marriage is over. I don’t think I’m a squeamish person but I reacted with extreme nausea and I had to close the browser and try again later before I could stomach selecting the radio button “single” in order to fix a beneficiary on one of my accounts.

But also I’ve already been asked much more awkward painful things. A bank staff person asked me if my son will remember his dad. I just ranted back at him about infantile amnesia.